lots of deception & hostility & suprisingly.. happiness :]

i just need to get all of this out. whether it is messy or not i don.t care.

since i.ve broken up with james craig things have been up and down with him. he.s very hostile lately if he doesn.t get his way. i think he.s probably just still upset about the breakup even if he doesn.t think he is. anyways. he cheated on me with this girl at work. yet he was saying all this bullshit about how he loves me he wants to marry me etc etc. that.s all just a bit much.

anyways there is also this guy named nate that seemed pretty interesting & i.ve been talking to him lately. he sent me a myspace message so if we go out i will laugh cause chelsea has a boyfriend she met on myspace :P but anyways i finally got to meet him & we went out to get smoothies & it was v. fun. on that same day james went to visit his friend(?) laura and got high. i kinda knew that was gonna happen & it pissed me off but then he called me & said that he & laura had gotten drunk & had sex awhile back & that he wanted me to know so we could be open with each other. well of course i didn.t wanna date him after finding out that or even talk to him so i hung out w/ nate that night. he is so awesome & nice it.s like a total opposite of james. i think i got so used to james being kinda mean like that i just thought it was okay after awhile which isn.t the case. after his dad died he changed a lot. for the worse. the james i knew would never cheat on someone or treat them badly. i was just let down again. a week or so ago he was going to kill himself and i helped him out. now he won.t give me the time of day again. you.d think when you help someone with something like that they would be greatful and nicer to you but not james. it is sad. i really feel bad for him because he just acts on impulses and he.s going to get himself in more trouble. he got high last night too & probably drunk. he.s just leading himself in a bad direction and he can.t see it for some reason. i think it.s going to take something really shocking to make him rethink everything. he has sex with random people that he doesn.t even know if they have stds or not. idk it.s just so irresponsible he makes me nervous.

so anyways i chose nate over james for lots of reasons. nate is just idk he.s very nice & friendly & i feel really comfortable around him which is odd because we.ve only just met but it just feels right idk. he.s great. i like holding hands and stuffs it makes me smile. anyway the first night i hung out w/ nate he was gonna go home around 5-6 in the morning and his car got broken into so we ended up sleeping in my car with the doors open till the cops came & they got a few good fingerprints i think. he got his cell phone, cd player, cds, stuff like that stolen & then the person/people? just broke random things like his glove box so i dunno. anyways after that we drove to his house so he could drop off his car then he stayed at my house & spent the night and stuffs. james kept calling me on those two days we spent and it was starting to get annoying & creepy but then he called when were we having sex & i kept getting the phone & telling him i was busy & i couldnt talk & stuff but he kept calling a bunch of times & finally nate just picked it up i guess & left it on so then james heard us & it was bad but he finally figured it out. i felt bad but idk i mean he kept calling. then when i hung it up he called a freaking gain! it was the creepiest thing he said he was coming over to get his stuff [some video game & controllers & stuff] so i brought him the stuff to the door and he was like yelling i love you and stuff and i was creeped out a lot but i said i.d talk to him when he was calm so he left and flipped me off when he drove away then called again and said he had a key to my car. he was acting so much like my dad i swear i could see it in his face, and it was sickening. i asked for the key back and he said he threw it on the street. so then me & nate got to go look for the damn key and couldnt find it at first so we wondered if he was like fucking up my car and just saying this to get us out of the way so we went to my car and it was ok but i still couldnt find the key. i called him about it and he threw it near a gutter on the corner of my street & another one. nice. i don.t think it.s fair that he threw my stuff in the street while i gave him his like a civil person. i mean i understand he was upset and i feel bad but that doesn.t excuse it. so now he just keeps telling me i.m a slut and a whore and stuff so he.s not worth keeping as a friend.

but anyways nate! he makes me happy. i like that i can just like chill with him & we don.t even have to do anything. i like jsut sitting there with him & cuddling and all that girly stuffs. i hope we get to hangout tonight :]